The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
In our toughest moments, life can feel more like a curse than a gift. Whether it’s losing a job, struggling through a foundering relationship, or witnessing the death of a loved one, experiences that bring us to our knees tend to trigger our defenses, not our wisdom.
The Book in 3 Sentences
- Trusting your gut and making rational decisions aren’t mutually exclusive.
- Comparing yourself to other people makes you boring, not better.
- The alternative to play isn’t to work more – it’s getting depressed.
Impressions
A lovely book. It was a great continuation for Daring Greatly. This book felt more religious, with mentions of God (in the Christian sense) and even references to Christian prayers. However, Brown doesn’t mention Christianity or religion directly, so I would still reccommend this book to people who consider themselves spiritual rather than religious.
How I Discovered It
I previously read Daring Greatly by Brene Brown after it was recommended to me on Goodreads as a top self help book.
Who Should Read It?
Anyone who feels paralyzed by shame or perfectionism. People with social anxiety. People pleasers. Anyone who struggles to know “who they are”.
How the Book Changed Me
How my life / behavior / thoughts / ideas have changed as a result of reading the book.
- For me, this was great supplementary material from Daring Greatly. Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection have taught me about vulnerability and shame. They’ve shown me that its normal to feel self doubt and taught me actionable ways I can become more connected with other people.
My Top 3 Quotes
- We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.
- Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
- “Healthy striving is self-focused: "How can I improve?" Perfectionism is other-focused: "What will they think?”
Other quotes
From Daring Greatly: "Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking, Yes I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid but that doesn't change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging."
- “Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion. Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning and purpose to our lives.”
- “Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”
- Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”
- “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”
- “Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”
- “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”
- “If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm.”
- “One of the greatest barriers to connection is the cultural importance we place on "going it alone." Somehow we've come to equate success with not needing anyone. Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand, but we're very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves. It's as if we've divided the world into "those who offer help" and "those who need help." The truth is that we are both.”
Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference
Summary + Notes
The 10 guideposts to wholehearted living include:
- Cultivating authenticity and letting go of what other people think
- Cultivating self-compassion and letting go of perfectionism
- Cultivating your resilient spirit, letting go of numbing and powerlessness
- Cultivating gratitude and joy, letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark
- Cultivating intuition and trusting faith, letting go of the need for certainty
- Cultivating creativity and letting go of comparison
- Cultivating play and rest, letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth
- Cultivating calm and stillness and letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle
- Cultivating meaningful work, letting go of self-doubt and supposed-to
- Cultivating laughter, song, and dance. And letting go of cool and always in control
My Resonant Guideposts
These are the guideposts that I resonated the most with.
Introduction?
I liked the section about listening. Types of ways we don’t listen to other people
Guidepost #2
I thought the section about can we love each other more than we love ourselves was very interesting. It’s self-kindness. This means being as nice to yourself as you would be to others when you make a mistake.
Guidepost #3
This guidepost is about resilience - your ability to overcome adversity and bounce back from losses, errors, and setbacks. And importantly, letting go of numbing (aka “toughing it out”). Numbing activities like television, surfing social media, impulsive eating and drinking keep you comfortable. But they don’t develop resilience. And since they’re a mechanism for avoidance, they contribute to feelings of powerlessness.
Here are five common qualities of resilient people:
- Resilient people are resourceful problem-solvers
- Resilient people seek help when they need it
- Resilient people take ownership of their ability to take action to manage their feelings
- Resilient people have access to social support
- Resilient people are connected with other people
Actionable: Bring awareness to your go-to numbing strategies. Is it food? TV? Your smartphone? Pornography? Alcohol? Awareness of these moments creates a fork-in-the-road, where you can choose a new path. Ask yourself: “Would I like to step forward into courage? Or step back into comfort?”
Guidepost #7
Cultivating play and rest and letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self worth.
First, play. There are a few key properties of play:
- It’s time spent without purpose
- It’s something you don’t want to end (lose track of time)
- It dissolves your hyper-self-consciousness. You lose yourself in the action.
Similar Books
If you liked this book, I also recommend Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.
"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking, Yes I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid but that doesn't change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging." -Brene Brown